As the author of the book Parent in Peace I see many parents at 'war' with their children - constantly fighting over homework, chores, curfew, etc. The members of these households are frustrated, yelling parents; and fearful, crying, unhappy children. I say it is time to end this conflict? The solution is so simple. Make a commitment to parent in peace and claim a peaceful household. I have outlined a few tips to help you along your path to peace.
1. Reflect upon your childhood. Think about what you liked and did not like about your childhood experience Take a moment to jot down a few important times in your childhood. Now think of your children’s lives so far? What will they have to say about their childhood experiences so far?
Do you have unresolved issues with your parents over these feelings? Do you want to have these issues with your children?
2. Establish Boundaries and house rules. When you are establishing boundaries with your children, make sure they are appropriate for their age and worth the effort. Sometimes our children will ask us why can’t I go? I have caught myself not really knowing why I said no.. I just wanted to say no. When I evaluated my reasoning it seemed like I just needed to be controlling. Really?? Is this a real reason for a rule or boundary?
Sometimes a problem becomes a power struggle that the parent is unnecessarily determined to win. But, what value is winning if you destroy your relationship with your child? Ongoing conflict carries with it the risk of seriously damaging the parent-child relationship. And with ongoing conflict, there can be no peace. That is why The Consequence System works so beautifully. It helps the mom and dad become parents. It helps the parents establish rules and boundaries for their children to follow with clear consequences for misbehavior and awards for good behavior. Once this system is established, there is no misunderstanding.
3. Children are just that- children. Make sure to keep that in mind.. While we want to teach them responsibility, keep it age appropriate and let them be children. Their responsibilities and rules should be age appropriate. Conflicts arise when the parent tries to either be too controlling for a maturing child or to change the way a child thinks or behaves. Ask yourself, "Is this really a problem I should be focusing on at this time?" I cannot stress enough, it is really important to recognize that we all learn by experience.
4. Respect your children. Just as adults want and need respect, so do children. Respect your children by listening to them, accepting who they are, accepting their imperfections, allowing them to learn from mistakes. I give consequences for purposeful rule breaking, disrespect and boundary breaking. I do not give consequences for simple mistakes. I like to allow them to make decisions and have input about things that affect them (as age appropriate) and learn from these situations for their future. Remember our goal of parenting is to raise honest, self sufficient, responsible adults.
5. Sometimes "disobedience" can be a sign or strength or independence. If parenting were a simple as telling a child once, parents would not be needed. A child needs to be taught, and teaching and training takes time, patience and repetition. Your child is a work in progress, who will need guidance for many years. This is why The Consequence System works so wonderfully. When they cross the line they are given a consequence, but when they get it they are awarded. Children learn better from positive reinforcement than negative every time.
6. Our goal is not perfection, just peace. There are no perfect children, as there are no perfect parents. You must forgive yourself for the mistakes you make as a parent, and you must forgive your children. Do not harp on the actions of the past. I teach in my seminars to pack a bag each and every time there is a situation. After the situation is resolved, throw the bag away. Do not bring it up the next time there is a situation. Treat each situation separately because no one likes their past thrown up in their faces.
7. Follow your own house rules for yourself. We expect our children to tell the truth but then we tell white lies all day long with the excuse that we didn’t want to hurt those person’s feelings. This is not right; make this change for yourself also. Our clearest mirror of who we are is our child
8. Do everything that you do for your children with love. As a matter of fact, if you approach life this way also, not only will you find peace in your home, but in your life in general. Praise your children with kind loving words and attention, and tell them how much you love them.
This is where you will find peace.
Carrie Tappan
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