Unraveling the reason

One of my parents that I am coaching to implement The consequence system had a situation that was causing problems in their home. Their daughter was throwing severe fits and has been since she was about 18 months old. These fits are mostly fits of uncontrollable anger or frustration. After talking to the mother we discovered that it only happens with her parents or at home. This doesn't happen at school (she is 8 yrs old) nor at friends homes. I have been to her house and witnessed this situation. I have witnessed her get upset and throw a fit because the computer is not fast enough, because she can't get something right, not good enough on the wii, etc. None of these things are logical to throw a fit about at the age of 8. So, I felt we really needed to think this through more and follow the pattern better. I am very familiar with manipulation :-) as I have a queen manipulator that lives in my house. So, to me, it was very apparent this was prime time manipulation sessions. What took a while to figure outis why? What was she wanting? What could be so important that she would continually do this action, knowing she would be in BIG trouble for this behavior? embaressing herself in front of company or friends?

I asked the mom, what do you do after she gets in trouble. That is where we figured it out! She usually goes in her room (if company is over or not) and sits on the bed and talks with her about NOT doing this again. That was what she was wanting-- mom or dad talking/hang out time. One thing I noted, her parents spend TONS of time with her. She is an only child and gets a lot of play time with her parents. What she was desiring was the one on one individual attention of a relationship-not playing a game, not doing homework, not watching TV, but just talking. We came up with a plan that a few times a week, one of the parents would take the time to just sit and talk with her after school and see what happens. For the most part this should take care of this behavior but it had also become a habit and keeping the behavior correction using the consequence/award system was crutial.

It has been a week since this slight addition to the consequence system has been implemented and things in their household are doing well. At this point it seems a bit early to call a victory because she doesn't throw these fits every day. I will keep her progress posted.

Her parents were at their whits end..in her parents opinion, yelling and spanking her seemed to be the only thing that made the fits stop. This was heartbreaking to the parents because it was not something they wanted to do. They did not believe in this but they had tried so many other things- with no improvements. After her discipline, her mom/dad would go in her room remorseful of the yelling or spanking and their daughter felt that emotion from her mom/dad. In a strange way, this brought them close, which made her daughter feel that relationship feeling she was desiring from her parents. I talk about this in my book and how ineffective this in because now the parent is wrong and the child completely looses their their lesson on what they did wrong. These simple changes make us better parents and give us the PEACE we need in our homes. Imagine a world with parents that are in control of our children and our homes- with boundaries and rules that help our children become better adults. That is my goal- and I hope yours also... how can you help?

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It has been a long time since I added to this blog. I have been busy working on a new addition to the parent in peace line. I have been writing a workbook and planning on a DVD collection to bring the coaching live to your home. I am very excited for this addition to make more tools available to you- as parents. I am desiging shirts and other products that will help get the word out to all parents.