As the author of Parent In Peace, I am presented with many parenting topics. One question I am often asked is how to balance being a parent and friend. I tell my own children, I am your parent first, friend next. If you take this stand and stay a parent first, it is possible to be friends with your child. As long as your children stay within the rules and boundaries that are set for them, you can learn to be more than parents to your kids. With this said there really is more of a complicated pattern that I would like to explain.
Picture two strings with the beginning ends far apart- the middle running parallel sometimes crossing each other and then the right side the strings are moving apart again. This is how your relationship should go with your child. The beginning being parent only, the middle part is about balancing parent/friend and the latter part mostly friend with a small amount of parenting here and there. When our children are first born we are all parent and furthest from friends. We nurture their every need. When they move into toddler stages and you might hear them say something cute like, I do it. From this point on, the independence slowly increases. This is the middle part of the string, the balance between parent/friend. In middle school, they want you to drop them off around the corner, so no one can tell they have parents. In high school, half the time you want to drop them around the block, so no one can tell they are your children! (j/k Kyle J)
As they become teens they naturally start to wean away from you and this is where your parental role and friendship role need to be clearly defined. They want the independence, which is natural, but they also need your protection still. This is where your family rules and boundaries are ESSENTIAL to have in place. Let your system discipline for you; let the system keep them in their boundaries. At this age they will be hot to argue your parental system. I tell my kids, the system is an inanimate object that cannot be argued. Rules are rules follow them and everything is fine, don’t and suffer the consequences- your choice! The good news; when they hit early adult hood and move out is when you can truly become a friend to them. I am now in the stage of looking forward to this with my oldest! He just turned 18 and we have been weaning towards complete independence for a couple of years now. We have worked very hard at this because the last thing I want is for him to go away to college and fall flat on his face. He will hopefully be able to reflect on his experiences, rules and boundaries to know right from wrong. Am I blinded to think he will be perfect and not make mistakes? NOOOOO Way, but I have to hope that he will use his common sense, better judgment and his years of consequences. We used The Consequence System (www.parentinpeace.com) in our home for the last 9 years.
Now that we have established the ‘when’ lets look at how. What does being friends mean? If you have your boundaries set this should not be a difficult position to transition into. If you do not have any set boundaries and rules in your family, this parent/friendship situation is doomed. My book can help you establish these in your home, order at www.parentinpeace.com. It is a must for boundaries to be set and your children need to understand them so that your relationship with them can be enjoyable for both of you.
Some main points to remember
Show your child love, but do not smother them
Do not get too deep into their personal lives, friends, relationships
Remember, being a parent is more important- it is ok to say NO
They should remember you are their provider and should respect that
They need to follow their rules/boundaries and take consequences for misbehavior
Your must maintain a good role model for your child. They will be looking for advice and guidance from you. I have repeated this quote a million times; your best mirror is your child.
Children need rules, and even if you are their friend they need to understand that breaking the rules has its consequences because first and foremost, you are their mom or dad. To learn more about how to set your family rules/boundaries and The Consequence System visit my website at www.parentinpeace.com
Carrie Tappan
Parent in Peace LLC.
BUY IT NOW!
BUY IT NOW!
Friday, November 12, 2010
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Free Tips on your quest for Parenting in Peace
As the author of the book Parent in Peace I see many parents at 'war' with their children - constantly fighting over homework, chores, curfew, etc. The members of these households are frustrated, yelling parents; and fearful, crying, unhappy children. I say it is time to end this conflict? The solution is so simple. Make a commitment to parent in peace and claim a peaceful household. I have outlined a few tips to help you along your path to peace.
1. Reflect upon your childhood. Think about what you liked and did not like about your childhood experience Take a moment to jot down a few important times in your childhood. Now think of your children’s lives so far? What will they have to say about their childhood experiences so far?
Do you have unresolved issues with your parents over these feelings? Do you want to have these issues with your children?
2. Establish Boundaries and house rules. When you are establishing boundaries with your children, make sure they are appropriate for their age and worth the effort. Sometimes our children will ask us why can’t I go? I have caught myself not really knowing why I said no.. I just wanted to say no. When I evaluated my reasoning it seemed like I just needed to be controlling. Really?? Is this a real reason for a rule or boundary?
Sometimes a problem becomes a power struggle that the parent is unnecessarily determined to win. But, what value is winning if you destroy your relationship with your child? Ongoing conflict carries with it the risk of seriously damaging the parent-child relationship. And with ongoing conflict, there can be no peace. That is why The Consequence System works so beautifully. It helps the mom and dad become parents. It helps the parents establish rules and boundaries for their children to follow with clear consequences for misbehavior and awards for good behavior. Once this system is established, there is no misunderstanding.
3. Children are just that- children. Make sure to keep that in mind.. While we want to teach them responsibility, keep it age appropriate and let them be children. Their responsibilities and rules should be age appropriate. Conflicts arise when the parent tries to either be too controlling for a maturing child or to change the way a child thinks or behaves. Ask yourself, "Is this really a problem I should be focusing on at this time?" I cannot stress enough, it is really important to recognize that we all learn by experience.
4. Respect your children. Just as adults want and need respect, so do children. Respect your children by listening to them, accepting who they are, accepting their imperfections, allowing them to learn from mistakes. I give consequences for purposeful rule breaking, disrespect and boundary breaking. I do not give consequences for simple mistakes. I like to allow them to make decisions and have input about things that affect them (as age appropriate) and learn from these situations for their future. Remember our goal of parenting is to raise honest, self sufficient, responsible adults.
5. Sometimes "disobedience" can be a sign or strength or independence. If parenting were a simple as telling a child once, parents would not be needed. A child needs to be taught, and teaching and training takes time, patience and repetition. Your child is a work in progress, who will need guidance for many years. This is why The Consequence System works so wonderfully. When they cross the line they are given a consequence, but when they get it they are awarded. Children learn better from positive reinforcement than negative every time.
6. Our goal is not perfection, just peace. There are no perfect children, as there are no perfect parents. You must forgive yourself for the mistakes you make as a parent, and you must forgive your children. Do not harp on the actions of the past. I teach in my seminars to pack a bag each and every time there is a situation. After the situation is resolved, throw the bag away. Do not bring it up the next time there is a situation. Treat each situation separately because no one likes their past thrown up in their faces.
7. Follow your own house rules for yourself. We expect our children to tell the truth but then we tell white lies all day long with the excuse that we didn’t want to hurt those person’s feelings. This is not right; make this change for yourself also. Our clearest mirror of who we are is our child
8. Do everything that you do for your children with love. As a matter of fact, if you approach life this way also, not only will you find peace in your home, but in your life in general. Praise your children with kind loving words and attention, and tell them how much you love them.
This is where you will find peace.
Carrie Tappan
1. Reflect upon your childhood. Think about what you liked and did not like about your childhood experience Take a moment to jot down a few important times in your childhood. Now think of your children’s lives so far? What will they have to say about their childhood experiences so far?
Do you have unresolved issues with your parents over these feelings? Do you want to have these issues with your children?
2. Establish Boundaries and house rules. When you are establishing boundaries with your children, make sure they are appropriate for their age and worth the effort. Sometimes our children will ask us why can’t I go? I have caught myself not really knowing why I said no.. I just wanted to say no. When I evaluated my reasoning it seemed like I just needed to be controlling. Really?? Is this a real reason for a rule or boundary?
Sometimes a problem becomes a power struggle that the parent is unnecessarily determined to win. But, what value is winning if you destroy your relationship with your child? Ongoing conflict carries with it the risk of seriously damaging the parent-child relationship. And with ongoing conflict, there can be no peace. That is why The Consequence System works so beautifully. It helps the mom and dad become parents. It helps the parents establish rules and boundaries for their children to follow with clear consequences for misbehavior and awards for good behavior. Once this system is established, there is no misunderstanding.
3. Children are just that- children. Make sure to keep that in mind.. While we want to teach them responsibility, keep it age appropriate and let them be children. Their responsibilities and rules should be age appropriate. Conflicts arise when the parent tries to either be too controlling for a maturing child or to change the way a child thinks or behaves. Ask yourself, "Is this really a problem I should be focusing on at this time?" I cannot stress enough, it is really important to recognize that we all learn by experience.
4. Respect your children. Just as adults want and need respect, so do children. Respect your children by listening to them, accepting who they are, accepting their imperfections, allowing them to learn from mistakes. I give consequences for purposeful rule breaking, disrespect and boundary breaking. I do not give consequences for simple mistakes. I like to allow them to make decisions and have input about things that affect them (as age appropriate) and learn from these situations for their future. Remember our goal of parenting is to raise honest, self sufficient, responsible adults.
5. Sometimes "disobedience" can be a sign or strength or independence. If parenting were a simple as telling a child once, parents would not be needed. A child needs to be taught, and teaching and training takes time, patience and repetition. Your child is a work in progress, who will need guidance for many years. This is why The Consequence System works so wonderfully. When they cross the line they are given a consequence, but when they get it they are awarded. Children learn better from positive reinforcement than negative every time.
6. Our goal is not perfection, just peace. There are no perfect children, as there are no perfect parents. You must forgive yourself for the mistakes you make as a parent, and you must forgive your children. Do not harp on the actions of the past. I teach in my seminars to pack a bag each and every time there is a situation. After the situation is resolved, throw the bag away. Do not bring it up the next time there is a situation. Treat each situation separately because no one likes their past thrown up in their faces.
7. Follow your own house rules for yourself. We expect our children to tell the truth but then we tell white lies all day long with the excuse that we didn’t want to hurt those person’s feelings. This is not right; make this change for yourself also. Our clearest mirror of who we are is our child
8. Do everything that you do for your children with love. As a matter of fact, if you approach life this way also, not only will you find peace in your home, but in your life in general. Praise your children with kind loving words and attention, and tell them how much you love them.
This is where you will find peace.
Carrie Tappan
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Unraveling the reason
One of my parents that I am coaching to implement The consequence system had a situation that was causing problems in their home. Their daughter was throwing severe fits and has been since she was about 18 months old. These fits are mostly fits of uncontrollable anger or frustration. After talking to the mother we discovered that it only happens with her parents or at home. This doesn't happen at school (she is 8 yrs old) nor at friends homes. I have been to her house and witnessed this situation. I have witnessed her get upset and throw a fit because the computer is not fast enough, because she can't get something right, not good enough on the wii, etc. None of these things are logical to throw a fit about at the age of 8. So, I felt we really needed to think this through more and follow the pattern better. I am very familiar with manipulation :-) as I have a queen manipulator that lives in my house. So, to me, it was very apparent this was prime time manipulation sessions. What took a while to figure outis why? What was she wanting? What could be so important that she would continually do this action, knowing she would be in BIG trouble for this behavior? embaressing herself in front of company or friends?
I asked the mom, what do you do after she gets in trouble. That is where we figured it out! She usually goes in her room (if company is over or not) and sits on the bed and talks with her about NOT doing this again. That was what she was wanting-- mom or dad talking/hang out time. One thing I noted, her parents spend TONS of time with her. She is an only child and gets a lot of play time with her parents. What she was desiring was the one on one individual attention of a relationship-not playing a game, not doing homework, not watching TV, but just talking. We came up with a plan that a few times a week, one of the parents would take the time to just sit and talk with her after school and see what happens. For the most part this should take care of this behavior but it had also become a habit and keeping the behavior correction using the consequence/award system was crutial.
It has been a week since this slight addition to the consequence system has been implemented and things in their household are doing well. At this point it seems a bit early to call a victory because she doesn't throw these fits every day. I will keep her progress posted.
Her parents were at their whits end..in her parents opinion, yelling and spanking her seemed to be the only thing that made the fits stop. This was heartbreaking to the parents because it was not something they wanted to do. They did not believe in this but they had tried so many other things- with no improvements. After her discipline, her mom/dad would go in her room remorseful of the yelling or spanking and their daughter felt that emotion from her mom/dad. In a strange way, this brought them close, which made her daughter feel that relationship feeling she was desiring from her parents. I talk about this in my book and how ineffective this in because now the parent is wrong and the child completely looses their their lesson on what they did wrong. These simple changes make us better parents and give us the PEACE we need in our homes. Imagine a world with parents that are in control of our children and our homes- with boundaries and rules that help our children become better adults. That is my goal- and I hope yours also... how can you help?
SHARE THIS WITH A FRIEND.
MAKE PARENT IN PEACE A MOVEMENT!
It has been a long time since I added to this blog. I have been busy working on a new addition to the parent in peace line. I have been writing a workbook and planning on a DVD collection to bring the coaching live to your home. I am very excited for this addition to make more tools available to you- as parents. I am desiging shirts and other products that will help get the word out to all parents.
I asked the mom, what do you do after she gets in trouble. That is where we figured it out! She usually goes in her room (if company is over or not) and sits on the bed and talks with her about NOT doing this again. That was what she was wanting-- mom or dad talking/hang out time. One thing I noted, her parents spend TONS of time with her. She is an only child and gets a lot of play time with her parents. What she was desiring was the one on one individual attention of a relationship-not playing a game, not doing homework, not watching TV, but just talking. We came up with a plan that a few times a week, one of the parents would take the time to just sit and talk with her after school and see what happens. For the most part this should take care of this behavior but it had also become a habit and keeping the behavior correction using the consequence/award system was crutial.
It has been a week since this slight addition to the consequence system has been implemented and things in their household are doing well. At this point it seems a bit early to call a victory because she doesn't throw these fits every day. I will keep her progress posted.
Her parents were at their whits end..in her parents opinion, yelling and spanking her seemed to be the only thing that made the fits stop. This was heartbreaking to the parents because it was not something they wanted to do. They did not believe in this but they had tried so many other things- with no improvements. After her discipline, her mom/dad would go in her room remorseful of the yelling or spanking and their daughter felt that emotion from her mom/dad. In a strange way, this brought them close, which made her daughter feel that relationship feeling she was desiring from her parents. I talk about this in my book and how ineffective this in because now the parent is wrong and the child completely looses their their lesson on what they did wrong. These simple changes make us better parents and give us the PEACE we need in our homes. Imagine a world with parents that are in control of our children and our homes- with boundaries and rules that help our children become better adults. That is my goal- and I hope yours also... how can you help?
SHARE THIS WITH A FRIEND.
MAKE PARENT IN PEACE A MOVEMENT!
It has been a long time since I added to this blog. I have been busy working on a new addition to the parent in peace line. I have been writing a workbook and planning on a DVD collection to bring the coaching live to your home. I am very excited for this addition to make more tools available to you- as parents. I am desiging shirts and other products that will help get the word out to all parents.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Avoiding an action because of the REACTION
I was told my someone who edited my book to never start a sentence with-- Ok, I must confess.... He said it gives your readers a lack of confidence in you. I see his point but really.. we are all parents here and trying to raise our children. So, here goes...
OK, I MUST CONFESS>>>>
I have been having more attitude from my 9 yr old daughter than normal. Now, she is a very good girl. However, for her norm, she was acting out a bit. I was really feeling like I was missing something. Was something going on with her.. she did have a hard time in school with some bullies. But, wait, it is summer time and she is still having attitude. Then it hit me.. I was not consistantly giving her consequences. WHY??? Well, she is my cryer, if you remember from my book... she had worked out a little system where she started crying hysterically when she got a consequence saying repetedly.. I'm so so sorry. Well, being the tough nut I am, she did get that consequence.. but it trained me to start to ignore some things because my mind did not want to deal with this crying. This is nothing I planned to do, it just happened. I just realized this!
So, what does one do to fix this behavior on my part and hers? What does one do to undo this pattern? I don't want to feel like I need to avoid giving a consequence because I am afraid of her reaction.. I never planned to do that. It was like a reflex..possible old habits? I don't know but my goal is to undo this...
So, my plan is- I am calling a safe space meeting tonight. I am going to go over The Consequence System again and holding a mock session to show her how this will go...what is acceptable and not accceptable behavior. I will include Kyle in this meeting- not that he needs to see that but he is part of our family. I will explain to her that she can cry, but she needs to go to her room to cry and then she can come out and get her consequence. She likes to serve her consequence right away if possible, so she can do it then. While we are in this meeting we will be going over summer chores and summer rules etc. I don't know about you, but my house is much messier in the summer- so I will also be adding some consequences :-))
So, my ending thought for today is that parenting is an ever evolving process.. we must be like camelions...change to our environment, shed old skin that is no longer necessary, grow new tails when needed, etc..
Don't keep this to yourself....Make it a movement- pass this on:
PARENT IN PEACE
OK, I MUST CONFESS>>>>
I have been having more attitude from my 9 yr old daughter than normal. Now, she is a very good girl. However, for her norm, she was acting out a bit. I was really feeling like I was missing something. Was something going on with her.. she did have a hard time in school with some bullies. But, wait, it is summer time and she is still having attitude. Then it hit me.. I was not consistantly giving her consequences. WHY??? Well, she is my cryer, if you remember from my book... she had worked out a little system where she started crying hysterically when she got a consequence saying repetedly.. I'm so so sorry. Well, being the tough nut I am, she did get that consequence.. but it trained me to start to ignore some things because my mind did not want to deal with this crying. This is nothing I planned to do, it just happened. I just realized this!
So, what does one do to fix this behavior on my part and hers? What does one do to undo this pattern? I don't want to feel like I need to avoid giving a consequence because I am afraid of her reaction.. I never planned to do that. It was like a reflex..possible old habits? I don't know but my goal is to undo this...
So, my plan is- I am calling a safe space meeting tonight. I am going to go over The Consequence System again and holding a mock session to show her how this will go...what is acceptable and not accceptable behavior. I will include Kyle in this meeting- not that he needs to see that but he is part of our family. I will explain to her that she can cry, but she needs to go to her room to cry and then she can come out and get her consequence. She likes to serve her consequence right away if possible, so she can do it then. While we are in this meeting we will be going over summer chores and summer rules etc. I don't know about you, but my house is much messier in the summer- so I will also be adding some consequences :-))
So, my ending thought for today is that parenting is an ever evolving process.. we must be like camelions...change to our environment, shed old skin that is no longer necessary, grow new tails when needed, etc..
Don't keep this to yourself....Make it a movement- pass this on:
PARENT IN PEACE
Monday, June 21, 2010
Don't judge too fast
Well, Fathers Day we Scott wanted to go out to breakfast. So, we got dressed and headed out to one of our favorite spots in our area. We sat down and ordered and then a couple sat next to us with 2 younger kids (about 3 and 6) and a TV. Yes, they actually brought their TV to eat with them. My first opinion was that the TV was so they could talk and this would keep their kids busy. It was a very easy assumption...didn't have to get a degree for that one! Their drinks were not served yet and click.. on goes the TV...Cassidy was thrilled it was Alvin and the Chipmunks! So, there we go, three kids watching this little TV. We ordered, they ordered, we got our drinks, they got their drinks.... OOPS, the little girl spills the drink. Guess, where it goes, YEP in DADs lap and towards the TV. I was so proud of this father, he just wiped it up nice and calmly- spoke to her about being more careful with her arms etc... No yelling,no frustration. HMM maybe I judged this couple too fast.
So, we get our food and I look over and notice that both parents are interacting with their kids - playing games and talking (while mine was still watching THEIR TV while she was eating) I wanted to tell them that NOT bringing the TV was ok, because they didn't need it. THey were doing a fine job themselves. (but I was chicken) I would imagine it was a fight they didn't want to fight, so they gave in and brought it in the restaurant.
While my first impression of these parents were not great.. they really turned out to be incredible active parents! Good Job Mom and Dad! and I am so sorry for my hasty judgements.
So, we get our food and I look over and notice that both parents are interacting with their kids - playing games and talking (while mine was still watching THEIR TV while she was eating) I wanted to tell them that NOT bringing the TV was ok, because they didn't need it. THey were doing a fine job themselves. (but I was chicken) I would imagine it was a fight they didn't want to fight, so they gave in and brought it in the restaurant.
While my first impression of these parents were not great.. they really turned out to be incredible active parents! Good Job Mom and Dad! and I am so sorry for my hasty judgements.
Monday, June 7, 2010
THIS MAKES IT ALL WORTH IT
I HAVE OMITTED NAMES FOR PRIVACY.. BUT THIS EMAIL I RECEIVED MAKES ME SO HAPPY..ESPECIALLY CAUSE THE CHILD THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT IS A GOOD FRIEND OF MINE'S SON AND HE REALLY IS AWESOME
:-))
SCOTT,CARRIE,KYLE AND CASSIDY
I can't thank you enough for writing this book. MY HUSBAND and I honestly think we have tried every discipline strategy out there with no luck. OUR SON has started to get some consequences and is handling it pretty well. I think he feels more in control of getting in trouble or not, and with the ADHD that is important for him. For me the screaming is definitely stopping, but every once in a while I will find my self arguing with him which is another ADHD trait. MY HUSBAND is also doing well; I do have to remind him to let the system work for him. OUR SON loves the awards, I think the reason they did not work in the past is because he would get rewarded but it was hard to follow through with busy schd’s. I think parents make mistakes when they award their kids with big, expensive or extravagant things, then they don’t or can’t follow through. I have done that in the past myself. HE is much happier playing a family game night than anything I could buy for him. The awards that I give him now are easy to do and he loves them. Our house feels more calm and relaxed. My Mother has also noticed the change and has seen us struggle with him for a long time. She thanks you also. My sister works with children that have behavioral issues. I am sending her a copy of your book she would like to read it and would possibly recommend to the parents. OMG you made our SON awesome!!!!!!. Actually he was already Awesome you just helped us be able to see it a lot more often.
LETTERS LIKE THIS MAKE ME SO HAPPY BECAUSE OUR KIDS DESERVE THIS, AND WE DESERVE PEACE AS PARENTS. OUR KIDS ARE AWESOME, IT IS JUST THAT WE HAVE TO DUST A LITTLE DUST OFF AND PUT UP OUR BOUNDARIES SO THEY CAN FOLLOW THEM!
:-))
SCOTT,CARRIE,KYLE AND CASSIDY
I can't thank you enough for writing this book. MY HUSBAND and I honestly think we have tried every discipline strategy out there with no luck. OUR SON has started to get some consequences and is handling it pretty well. I think he feels more in control of getting in trouble or not, and with the ADHD that is important for him. For me the screaming is definitely stopping, but every once in a while I will find my self arguing with him which is another ADHD trait. MY HUSBAND is also doing well; I do have to remind him to let the system work for him. OUR SON loves the awards, I think the reason they did not work in the past is because he would get rewarded but it was hard to follow through with busy schd’s. I think parents make mistakes when they award their kids with big, expensive or extravagant things, then they don’t or can’t follow through. I have done that in the past myself. HE is much happier playing a family game night than anything I could buy for him. The awards that I give him now are easy to do and he loves them. Our house feels more calm and relaxed. My Mother has also noticed the change and has seen us struggle with him for a long time. She thanks you also. My sister works with children that have behavioral issues. I am sending her a copy of your book she would like to read it and would possibly recommend to the parents. OMG you made our SON awesome!!!!!!. Actually he was already Awesome you just helped us be able to see it a lot more often.
LETTERS LIKE THIS MAKE ME SO HAPPY BECAUSE OUR KIDS DESERVE THIS, AND WE DESERVE PEACE AS PARENTS. OUR KIDS ARE AWESOME, IT IS JUST THAT WE HAVE TO DUST A LITTLE DUST OFF AND PUT UP OUR BOUNDARIES SO THEY CAN FOLLOW THEM!
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Just Breathe!
Sometimes I see parents get so stressed about starting this system that they don't start it in fear of failure. It is like any life style change it takes one step at a time to find success. If we just sit back knowing what we need to do but fail to do it then we really do fail. Raising children, disciplining children, nurturing children, guiding children...these are all steps of parenting..we do them every day without a plan. How many business ventures, adventures or trips would you take without a plan? Hopefully NONE! So stop parenting without a plan.
This system is set up so that you are only the moderator of a game. If you follow the rules, the system will work for you. If you deviate from the rules, then you have now become the rule maker/breaker and your child will see that and they will then have someone to argue the rules with... remember using the system takes out all the emotion of disciplining. Remember, you are not giving them a punishment, they are taking it by going outside of their boundaries... it is their choice! This again relates to life. One day down the road, if your child gives a friend a ride home from school and unknowingly he happens to have some drugs on him and then your child happens to get pulled over for say running a stop sign, and the police gets suspicious because the friend looks nervous and searches the car...guess what....your child will suffer the consequences for a bad choice (in friends) . We must teach our children how to think about their consequences at a young age so that they can have some practice for the real world when they get older. Now, I know that was extreme, but it can be that innocent yet devistating.
You see how this coorelates with real life?
SO TOGETHER LETS MAKE THIS A MOVEMENT
TEACH YOUR FRIENDS TO PARENT IN PEACE (RECOMMEND THE BOOK )
AND SEE A GENERATIONAL CHANGE IN OUR CHILDREN.. THEY ARE WORTH IT!
This system is set up so that you are only the moderator of a game. If you follow the rules, the system will work for you. If you deviate from the rules, then you have now become the rule maker/breaker and your child will see that and they will then have someone to argue the rules with... remember using the system takes out all the emotion of disciplining. Remember, you are not giving them a punishment, they are taking it by going outside of their boundaries... it is their choice! This again relates to life. One day down the road, if your child gives a friend a ride home from school and unknowingly he happens to have some drugs on him and then your child happens to get pulled over for say running a stop sign, and the police gets suspicious because the friend looks nervous and searches the car...guess what....your child will suffer the consequences for a bad choice (in friends) . We must teach our children how to think about their consequences at a young age so that they can have some practice for the real world when they get older. Now, I know that was extreme, but it can be that innocent yet devistating.
You see how this coorelates with real life?
SO TOGETHER LETS MAKE THIS A MOVEMENT
TEACH YOUR FRIENDS TO PARENT IN PEACE (RECOMMEND THE BOOK )
AND SEE A GENERATIONAL CHANGE IN OUR CHILDREN.. THEY ARE WORTH IT!
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Summertime Idea
Seeking Awards:
I have some ideas for some Awards for your children for the summer.
1. Kidsbowlfree.com this is a chance for them to bowl free 2 games every day
2. Go fishing (moms take a towel to hold the fish to help them take it off hook)
3. Afternoon play time in the hose/sprinkler
4. Trip to the zoo
5. Picnic at the park with the family
6. Trip to the lake/beach (whatever you might live close to)
7. New puzzle (and spend time putting it together)
8. Bake a cake
9. Neighborhood bike ride
10. Go to the drive in movie (if you have one close)
11. Go outside and catch fireflies
12. Take a blanket outside at night and watch start (beach, lake, dock, back yard)
I hope by these examples you can see the idea of awards. Basically awards are inexpensive ways of spending time with your children in a fun recreational way. These are ways of awarding them for good behavior and following their boundaries. Your children will work towards these awards once they get the idea of how they work. If you are giving your children awards that means they are doing exacely what they are suppose to be doing. Some people ask should I stop giving them if they are getting mostly awards. My answer is NOOOOOOOO.... why would you stop awarding them for following their rules/boundaries? They deserve it...and you deserve the special time with them that the awards are forcing you to spend with them. I say it this way because I experienced this my self... I saw that the awards were forcing me to have fun with my kids - they forced me to put down the dishes, clothes, computer and turn off the tv to spend time with them. I am so thankful for this and I hope they are also:-)
So, make your summer award list and reward them. You will not be able to see the growth and respect for the boundaries if you do not award them.
Tomorrow I will blog about some summer ideas for consequences!
I have some ideas for some Awards for your children for the summer.
1. Kidsbowlfree.com this is a chance for them to bowl free 2 games every day
2. Go fishing (moms take a towel to hold the fish to help them take it off hook)
3. Afternoon play time in the hose/sprinkler
4. Trip to the zoo
5. Picnic at the park with the family
6. Trip to the lake/beach (whatever you might live close to)
7. New puzzle (and spend time putting it together)
8. Bake a cake
9. Neighborhood bike ride
10. Go to the drive in movie (if you have one close)
11. Go outside and catch fireflies
12. Take a blanket outside at night and watch start (beach, lake, dock, back yard)
I hope by these examples you can see the idea of awards. Basically awards are inexpensive ways of spending time with your children in a fun recreational way. These are ways of awarding them for good behavior and following their boundaries. Your children will work towards these awards once they get the idea of how they work. If you are giving your children awards that means they are doing exacely what they are suppose to be doing. Some people ask should I stop giving them if they are getting mostly awards. My answer is NOOOOOOOO.... why would you stop awarding them for following their rules/boundaries? They deserve it...and you deserve the special time with them that the awards are forcing you to spend with them. I say it this way because I experienced this my self... I saw that the awards were forcing me to have fun with my kids - they forced me to put down the dishes, clothes, computer and turn off the tv to spend time with them. I am so thankful for this and I hope they are also:-)
So, make your summer award list and reward them. You will not be able to see the growth and respect for the boundaries if you do not award them.
Tomorrow I will blog about some summer ideas for consequences!
Sunday, May 23, 2010
"it is like a dream"
That phrase "it is like a dream".. is the text that I got yesterday from a parent that is new at implementing The Consequence System in their home. This is like music to my ears. You know when she said that to me, all I could think of was Scott, my husband. He is my biggest believer/cheerleader. I thought about this for a little longer, thinking why? why is he so sure of this System? It is not really like him to be pushy, and he has certainly been pushy for me to do this.... then it occured to me. Before Cassidy was born, when Kyle was in his most difficult years- I yelled a LOT.. he was always telling me to stop yelling. Now, he sees the change in me with the kids and actually with him. I can't remember the last time we fought. For this I would imagine, he is grateful and "sold" on this system! It changed our home completely. Until yesterday, I didn't realize that Parent in Peace led to a marriage in peace also. I thank God every day for how this has effected my family, now I will add in a special thank for my marriage also :-)) I have had so many people ask me can I write a consequence system for their husbands too.. well, you know what.. it isn't necessary. Get the boundaries in place, The Consequence System in place and stop the yelling.. and the rest will follow.
PEACE TO YOU!
This is my dog that passed last September on his 11th birthday.. he is who I think about when I try to obtain PEACE! He was the most peaceful all knowing creature I have ever seen. I miss you Ranger!
PEACE TO YOU!
This is my dog that passed last September on his 11th birthday.. he is who I think about when I try to obtain PEACE! He was the most peaceful all knowing creature I have ever seen. I miss you Ranger!
Friday, May 21, 2010
Boundaries + consistancy = RESULTS
I was at the skating rink today for a birthday party and was able to witness several parents with their children. What I saw the most was empty threats. Parents asking their children to do things or not do things and the kids absolutely ignoring them with NO consequences. One of the children that was there was a mom who is new using the consequence system. I was watching her while her mom was gone to the store for a bit. She had taken off her skates and was walking around in her socks-yuck. I told her to take them off and put her shoes on if she was done skating. She looked at me and said NO. I walked closer to her and told her if she can't listen she will get a consequence. So, she did listen but with MUCH attitude. Then she told me, her consequences were to easy anyways. HMMM.. so was she just trying to call my bluff or was she serious? It is important to challenge our kids when we are creating our consequences, be crystal clear with our boundaries and consistency!
If we aren't consistent then we lose
If we aren't consistent then we lose
Thursday, May 20, 2010
The most common questions:
Where do I start?
If I can only do one major change what should it be?
What is the most important aspect of parenting?
How do I get control back with my family?
How do I handle my teen?
How do I teach my toddler to stop throwing fits?
How do I teach my child to stop hitting? (besides you stop hitting them!)
How do I gain respect with my children? They have no respect for me.
I feel like I am always fighting with my children, how to I get them to listen?
They all have the same answer- CONSISTANCY
def: firmness of constitution or character : persistency
Ewww… none of us like that word. That word, consistancy, means we have to be reliable, accountable and responsible. Yes, we had children, we made that choice, now we must grow up and live up to our responsibility. Your children NEED your consistancy. How do you think they learn? If there is something you can’t stand about your child just look in the mirror because most likely they got it from you or your spouse. No lies- really. It is an ugly fact, but when my son started yelling when he was younger (before this system) I knew he learned it from me. Does he still yell.. ooh yes, it was taught to him– even though I have stopped yelling, he has no motivation to stop yet. We, of course, always correct him, and over time it happens less and less.. but it is a constant reminder of my mistakes. When he doesn’t clean up after himself, besides getting a consequence or allowance taken away, it is a constant reminder of where he learned that– his father! LOL.. really he did. We are very appreciative that we don’ t have the typical teen troubles with lying and disrespect. I am not saying that he is perfect.. ooh no by no means, but for the most part- he is a child who knows his boundaries and house rules and respects them. Does he ever try to cross them, OF COURSE- he is a teenager! But we are consistant with our reactions to his behaviors- he can count on how we will react. We will not yell, we will not spank, we will not give him a punishment and then take it away because it was to harsh. He will get a consequence appropriate for his behavior period. If he was late he will just get a consequence. If he drives off in his car while we are in a serious discussion (he is mad) when I told him not to, he will get his truck taken away. If he has attitude- a consequence. If he is caught skipping school- maybe 3 consequences. But like I said, he did get his car taken away recently for a period of time, but we are very very proud of our son and who he has become. Even when we took his truck away, he took the consequence with dignity and served his time away from it without arguement.
You might ask how did this happen, how did we essentially skip the horror teen troubles, teen tricks, teen trama? Well, this is just my opinion- and you know I will share it- I feel that we have kept him busy with sports, made him accountable for his actions with The Consequence System, kept an honest relationship with the safe space cup, and made him work for his money. While we did the above things we were consistant with our boundaries and expectations of him. It has not always been perfect and in the last year we have had some issues of me having a hard time letting him grow up and him trying to grow up to fast- but we worked through them with our system. We have always gotten compliments about Kyle’s behavior and now that we have Cassidy understanding the system we get it about both of them.
We just went to the Coast Guard recruiters office yesterday and I was so proud of him and I think the recruiter was very impressed also. The coast guard only takes a certain few each year and as long as he does well on the test he will be one of those select few- Go Kyle!!
Where do I start?
If I can only do one major change what should it be?
What is the most important aspect of parenting?
How do I get control back with my family?
How do I handle my teen?
How do I teach my toddler to stop throwing fits?
How do I teach my child to stop hitting? (besides you stop hitting them!)
How do I gain respect with my children? They have no respect for me.
I feel like I am always fighting with my children, how to I get them to listen?
They all have the same answer- CONSISTANCY
def: firmness of constitution or character : persistency
Ewww… none of us like that word. That word, consistancy, means we have to be reliable, accountable and responsible. Yes, we had children, we made that choice, now we must grow up and live up to our responsibility. Your children NEED your consistancy. How do you think they learn? If there is something you can’t stand about your child just look in the mirror because most likely they got it from you or your spouse. No lies- really. It is an ugly fact, but when my son started yelling when he was younger (before this system) I knew he learned it from me. Does he still yell.. ooh yes, it was taught to him– even though I have stopped yelling, he has no motivation to stop yet. We, of course, always correct him, and over time it happens less and less.. but it is a constant reminder of my mistakes. When he doesn’t clean up after himself, besides getting a consequence or allowance taken away, it is a constant reminder of where he learned that– his father! LOL.. really he did. We are very appreciative that we don’ t have the typical teen troubles with lying and disrespect. I am not saying that he is perfect.. ooh no by no means, but for the most part- he is a child who knows his boundaries and house rules and respects them. Does he ever try to cross them, OF COURSE- he is a teenager! But we are consistant with our reactions to his behaviors- he can count on how we will react. We will not yell, we will not spank, we will not give him a punishment and then take it away because it was to harsh. He will get a consequence appropriate for his behavior period. If he was late he will just get a consequence. If he drives off in his car while we are in a serious discussion (he is mad) when I told him not to, he will get his truck taken away. If he has attitude- a consequence. If he is caught skipping school- maybe 3 consequences. But like I said, he did get his car taken away recently for a period of time, but we are very very proud of our son and who he has become. Even when we took his truck away, he took the consequence with dignity and served his time away from it without arguement.
You might ask how did this happen, how did we essentially skip the horror teen troubles, teen tricks, teen trama? Well, this is just my opinion- and you know I will share it- I feel that we have kept him busy with sports, made him accountable for his actions with The Consequence System, kept an honest relationship with the safe space cup, and made him work for his money. While we did the above things we were consistant with our boundaries and expectations of him. It has not always been perfect and in the last year we have had some issues of me having a hard time letting him grow up and him trying to grow up to fast- but we worked through them with our system. We have always gotten compliments about Kyle’s behavior and now that we have Cassidy understanding the system we get it about both of them.
We just went to the Coast Guard recruiters office yesterday and I was so proud of him and I think the recruiter was very impressed also. The coast guard only takes a certain few each year and as long as he does well on the test he will be one of those select few- Go Kyle!!
Sunday, May 2, 2010
OWN IT.. COMMIT TO IT
Ok parents, this message is for all of us, including me. We know if you want to see success you must commit to it. Well, the same goes for parenting our children. Like I said many times before, being a mom or dad is the easy part. Being a parent and sculpting our children to be the best that they can be is the hard part. We MUST commit to them, they need us to commit to them. So you say well, it is so much work to keep on top of them and make them do their chores. SO WHAT>> then it is so much work. Do it..Commit to them.. they are worth it.
You can not jump into working this system if you do not have your boundaries/rules set.. that is not fair to your children if they do not know their boundaries. The boundaries are for them as much as you. It will help you keep your consistancy with them. They must follow these rules all the time. You must inforce them all the time also. If a police officer sees someone doing something wrong, against the law wrong- do you think it is right that he would turn the cheek cause it wasn't convenient for him, or it caused him more work. I am sure this happens but it is not right. Children disrespecting other adults, police officers and teachers is epidemic BUT the demand for respect starts at home. It starts with you parents, please make the efforts for your children. Love them but don't neglect your responsibility. Parent them with love and you will find you are a parent in peace!
You can not jump into working this system if you do not have your boundaries/rules set.. that is not fair to your children if they do not know their boundaries. The boundaries are for them as much as you. It will help you keep your consistancy with them. They must follow these rules all the time. You must inforce them all the time also. If a police officer sees someone doing something wrong, against the law wrong- do you think it is right that he would turn the cheek cause it wasn't convenient for him, or it caused him more work. I am sure this happens but it is not right. Children disrespecting other adults, police officers and teachers is epidemic BUT the demand for respect starts at home. It starts with you parents, please make the efforts for your children. Love them but don't neglect your responsibility. Parent them with love and you will find you are a parent in peace!
Saturday, April 17, 2010
It is your choice..give them the tools... or NOT
Going back to why I wrote a book. I developed a system that I found worked wonderfully for my diverse busy situation. I had friends that would 'vent' about their situations, so I started to share it with them. My husband Scott pushed me to write this down to A cut down on my phone time explaining and B to extend the help to others outside of my friendship circle. So began my journey. Last week I shared Parent in Peace with a neighbor at her request. Her children are grown but she loves to read. When she came over to give it back to me, she said of course she loved it and that since she has read it she is noticing how ineffective parents are with their children. She went on to explain a particular incident at Sears. It was such an "ah-ha" moment for me because a woman who is done with her child years of parenthood could see how this can make a difference. It was very inspiring.
Then, Cassidy my daughter came home from school one day last week after being kicked at school several times by a boy in her class. She was so upset and rightly so..but the key thing here is he never got in trouble at school. I had a meeting at her school about this and that was my main question..WHY..Why does this boy think a physical action is a resolution. I know.. he is not taught at home or school how to handle these situations. Bullying is a very big problem around the country now and we as parents NEED to show our children that physical and mental bullying is not the way to be a friend.
Please understand being a mom or dad is the easy part, being a parent is where the sleeves need to be rolled up and the work begins. This hard work doesn't end until they move out of the house. I am not saying that you need to make all the decisions for your children and put them in a bubble. What we need to do as parents is give our children the tools to make the right decisions and to be an asset to their schools/community and this parents requires WORK. Ultimately it is your choice.. give them the tools or not?
Then, Cassidy my daughter came home from school one day last week after being kicked at school several times by a boy in her class. She was so upset and rightly so..but the key thing here is he never got in trouble at school. I had a meeting at her school about this and that was my main question..WHY..Why does this boy think a physical action is a resolution. I know.. he is not taught at home or school how to handle these situations. Bullying is a very big problem around the country now and we as parents NEED to show our children that physical and mental bullying is not the way to be a friend.
Please understand being a mom or dad is the easy part, being a parent is where the sleeves need to be rolled up and the work begins. This hard work doesn't end until they move out of the house. I am not saying that you need to make all the decisions for your children and put them in a bubble. What we need to do as parents is give our children the tools to make the right decisions and to be an asset to their schools/community and this parents requires WORK. Ultimately it is your choice.. give them the tools or not?
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
A little cheating just means a little more work
YES, I am just a normal mom, with normal emotions..we are just human. Yes, there are times that I give a quick harsh word rather than let the system work for me. Yes there are times that I just don't feel like being strict and let a little attitude go...but it is important in the beginning that you stay strong until your boundaries are known. They (children) will test you or others at every angle possible. Yesterday I was at a friends house that I have been working with and her daughter was testing me.... I was busy helping her other daughter and instead of taking the time to deal with this situation, I called in her mom...this was not fair to the mom because she had to come in and deal with a situation that she wasn't involved in at all... I should have handled it because she was testing me not her mom... I failed. She will test me again, but I am sure I lost some ground with her last night.. sort of like 2 steps back...but a little more work and it will all be good. That is the good thing, it is sort of like a diet.. a little cheating just means a little more work. This is also a life style change..much like a diet is an life style change. HMMM.....
Monday, April 5, 2010
ACT or REACT..you have a choice!
Whichever one you pick, they will also................
I was talking with a friend who has been using this system for a few months and she shared an inspiration with me and I just had to share it....
"In every situation the outcome depends on how I act or react to it" she went on to explain that acting takes thinking and reacting does NOT. Do we want to teach our children to mindlessly react or is it better to teach them to plan their words, actions and lives by thinking first?
We are our childrens greatest mirrors! AND they are a reflection of us, if you don't like something about your children, work with them about it- but also check in with you..it may be something in you that needs to change also.
Thank you my good friend XXXX for your inspiration!
I was talking with a friend who has been using this system for a few months and she shared an inspiration with me and I just had to share it....
"In every situation the outcome depends on how I act or react to it" she went on to explain that acting takes thinking and reacting does NOT. Do we want to teach our children to mindlessly react or is it better to teach them to plan their words, actions and lives by thinking first?
We are our childrens greatest mirrors! AND they are a reflection of us, if you don't like something about your children, work with them about it- but also check in with you..it may be something in you that needs to change also.
Thank you my good friend XXXX for your inspiration!
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Consequences on the Fly!
Yesterday I was with some friends and was watching all the kids in front of the restaurant waiting to be seated. I was the only parent out front at the time. My friend’s youngest daughter who is almost 6 yrs old started throwing a fit and threw down her hair tie. I said xxxx please pick that up. She got upset, not necessarily at me, but at the situation that made her throw down the tie in the first place (which I still don’t know why) and took off running away towards the parking lot. I called after her and she went further away. I told the other two girls to stay there on the bench and went after her. Her mother is on day 3 of the consequence system in her house- so I told her daughter if she didn’t come back with me she would get a consequence – she refused and told me she was not going to do any consequences anyways. I said really.. well, actually, now you have 5 consequences for running from me, not listening and then refusing and being disrespectful. She then decided to cooperate and follow me to the bench, and I instructed her to sit on the bench for a bit. I ignored her, did not lecture her at all and waited like 5 minutes or so and then told her to go pick up the hair tie and come apologize to me. She did.. and did it beautifully.. With NO TEARS at all..even getting the consequences was done with no tears… I was so proud of her. After she apologized we all walked around to the back to look at the boats and she held my hand and was like my best friend. She was testing me and I got her respect after this incident. I saw her today and she was bragging to me about the consequences she has completed for this incident. I loved this.. it was cool to see the transition of this system working at it’s finest with someone else’s treasures.
I gave her 5 consequences because I needed her to understand this lesson BIG time. It was very dangerous running away from me like that (especially in the parking lot) AND also for her refusal. This was my using The Consequence System outside of the box.. and I asked my friend if I could use this situation to be able to give you all an example of this and how it can be used it this type of situation.
The work is worth it, your children are worth it!
I gave her 5 consequences because I needed her to understand this lesson BIG time. It was very dangerous running away from me like that (especially in the parking lot) AND also for her refusal. This was my using The Consequence System outside of the box.. and I asked my friend if I could use this situation to be able to give you all an example of this and how it can be used it this type of situation.
The work is worth it, your children are worth it!
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Maybe I should wear a t-shirt that says, on the front, “be careful what you say” and on the back it will say “I may blog about you later”
Once when I was trying to name one of our dogs, someone gave me the following advice. When you name a dog, don’t name it something you won’t want to yell out your door. If it is a name you would be embarrassed to yell, then don’t do it. You know there will be times you will have to be yelling for that dog. This made so much sense to me! This is advice I will carry and share for years to come.
So, today I was reminded of this advice..Well sort of…
I was at the pool on vacation in Orlando and heard this entire conversation of the people next to us. Apparently, the mother was in the shower getting ready to come to the pool. Red flag number one. Taking a shower to go to the pool? So, the kids keys didn’t work to get into the room and they were frustrated because they were hungry and couldn’t get in the room cause mom was in the shower. Mom had them at the pool on vacation alone Hmm.. Red flag number two. …So, the oldest girl maybe 11-12 gets out her cell phone and calls her mom, who was in the shower still. She told her to please open the door because they were hungry. Mom said no, she would be right there. Ok, maybe she was redeeming herself.. bringing them lunch.
So the mom shows up and starts reaming them out at the pool in front of everyone for pounding on the door, and what was the big deal they weren’t doing to die without lunch. She went on and on and on… it was very humiliating for these kids. I felt so bad for these kids, when mom walked away towards the pool; there was lots of talking about how she acted. This is what reminded me of the dog and the name. It really had nothing to do with naming the dog; it was about watching what you yell in public. It is not what she was upset about; it was how she handled it. Those kids learned NOTHING with her raging on them, except mom has a temper and can’t control it. She was also teaching them how to act and react in the future. Scary….
So, today I was reminded of this advice..Well sort of…
I was at the pool on vacation in Orlando and heard this entire conversation of the people next to us. Apparently, the mother was in the shower getting ready to come to the pool. Red flag number one. Taking a shower to go to the pool? So, the kids keys didn’t work to get into the room and they were frustrated because they were hungry and couldn’t get in the room cause mom was in the shower. Mom had them at the pool on vacation alone Hmm.. Red flag number two. …So, the oldest girl maybe 11-12 gets out her cell phone and calls her mom, who was in the shower still. She told her to please open the door because they were hungry. Mom said no, she would be right there. Ok, maybe she was redeeming herself.. bringing them lunch.
So the mom shows up and starts reaming them out at the pool in front of everyone for pounding on the door, and what was the big deal they weren’t doing to die without lunch. She went on and on and on… it was very humiliating for these kids. I felt so bad for these kids, when mom walked away towards the pool; there was lots of talking about how she acted. This is what reminded me of the dog and the name. It really had nothing to do with naming the dog; it was about watching what you yell in public. It is not what she was upset about; it was how she handled it. Those kids learned NOTHING with her raging on them, except mom has a temper and can’t control it. She was also teaching them how to act and react in the future. Scary….
Friday, March 26, 2010
Perception
A few days ago Cassidy was eating a food bar and put the wrapper on the table. Her brother walked by and it fell to the ground with his passing by the table. A bit later I walked by and said Cassidy why is that wrapper on the floor, you know better than that... What is our house rule about get it out, you put it back... she said I didn't put it there Kyle did. I had to explain to her that the wrapper was still her responsibility even though Kyle's air as he walked by her knocked it down. Had I not seen all of this, her perception would have been that she was not responsible for it anymore since Kyle knocked it down.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
A very good friend of mine emailed me yesterday. She had heard about my book getting ready to come out and was very happy for me. She reminded me of a story from years ago. She has 4 boys and I remember once that she was complaining about her boys and their socks. Her boys were not turning their socks right side out and sometimes keeping them all balled up. I told her how I had handled that situation in my home. I like her had a very similar experience with my son. I washed his socks just like he presented them to be washed. When this happened, they were not clean and sometimes a bit damp still from being balled up and inside out. This didn't need to happed to many times for him to learn that he wanted his socks clean. He figured out on his own what he needed to do to get his socks clean. You see he never learned from me "nagging" him, he learned from his consequence.
Fortunatly now, he is a teenager and does his own laundry :-)
Fortunatly now, he is a teenager and does his own laundry :-)
Good Evening! This is my first blog to the site. I am very excited to announce that my book will be out by late next week. check it out on www.parentinpeace.com next week. I will be starting workshops for parents in late April or May-in south Florida. These workshops will assist the parents to initiate this system in their home right away. Until May, I do have a few private meetings with a few parents to accomplish the same thing.
I was in the dermatologist office the other day and I was sharing my book with a few of the girls. One of them started reading it out loud. That was the most weird feeling.. being quoted. It was amazing, but also exciting to see how interested these women were to get their hands on the information in this book. I look forward to being able to help your families!
I was in the dermatologist office the other day and I was sharing my book with a few of the girls. One of them started reading it out loud. That was the most weird feeling.. being quoted. It was amazing, but also exciting to see how interested these women were to get their hands on the information in this book. I look forward to being able to help your families!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)